[	Current Location	|	home	]
[	Current Mood	|	anxious	]

So it is the night before my first day as a grad student.  Okay, well really just the orientation to being a grad student.  However, I’m still just as freaked out!

On one hand I can’t believe I’m actually doing this; it’s what I’ve always wanted!  On the other, what if I fuck up?  Now mind you, this is not one of those “legitimate” fears.  Oh no, I have no doubt I can study and pass.  My fear is whether or not I am cut out to become the political person one has to be in academia.  I have, as you know, a really difficult time keeping my mouth shut.  I think that may bite me in the ass one day.  So as a result, I’m struggling with the age-old problem of choosing between being an adult or being a child.  I want to be a child!

I’m no good at this adult shit!  I can’t do it!  I want to party, to stay up late, to wear, say and do WHATEVER I want.  And all of that, all of what makes me me will now end up in a box in my basement waiting on some 45-year-old version of myself to run across it and reminisce.  I don’t want that but I have the horrible feeling that this is just one more of those things we believe as children will not, under any circumstances, happen to us.  Like when I used to say I would never become my mother.  Yeah, right.  Or that I would never stop eating Cap’n Crunch and watch cartoons on Saturday mornings (okay, well that one is true, except now I’m watching them at midnight on my computer)!

The point is that the Toys’R’Us song has never meant so much to me.

I am nervous about new classes, getting lost and all that other garbage, but I know now that if I could do it four years ago as a stupid undergrad then maybe, just maybe I can do it now.  No one ever tells you how things are really going to be.  Swim and I used to council young, misguided teens that happened through Burson Ave about the college their parents and teachers never told them about.  The college where you have no fucking clue what you want to be when you grow up, the college where you take any class that sounds remotely interesting and will fill that 4 hour gap between two you are required to take.  We thought our ideas were so good we should right a book.  I still think we should.  But now I think we will have to write a very long one that extols the truths not only about undergrad but grad school as well.  No one really prepares you for the scariest moments of your life.  I guess no one really can.

I have confidence that I will succeed, but Jesus Christ it will be difficult.  At least I like Columbus; the lesbians are hot!  And my job isn’t too bad (although they should just pay me in merchandise instead of a paycheck).  I miss everyone but I do not miss Georgia (although I’d love a half Neo-Classic Chicken Salad with Sesame Ginger dressing followed by one of Caleb’s frozen Caramel Lattes).  I will make it. . . I just don’t like having to make it alone.   Miss you.

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Current Mood

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busy

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I know it's been a while since I have posted but the days of long silences are almost over!  I am moving to a place, a mecca in fact, that offers high-speed internet so I can reattach myself to the Internet!  I am going to Columbus, Ohio to work on my M.A. in East Asian Art History.  I just wanted to let you all know that I am not dead and that I will be posting even more as time goes by and I adjust to my new solitary life as a graduate student with no friends for hundreds of miles.  I can't wait!  At least I have the Internet and Final Fantasy 12 for my PS2!

[	Current Mood	|	New People!	]
[	Current Music	|	WinAmp mix - Goldfinger	]

This is a copy of an email I sent to a possible new friend explaining the importance to me of the Auryn and ‘The NeverEnding Story.’

Spiritual implications:

Here goes (I normally don't care what people think, but this is weird). . .

The first philosophical thought I can remember having happened when my sister (7 years older than me) explained what a 'never-ending story' really was.  I had to have been only a year old when this movie came out and I guess I asked her by the time I was 6 or 7.  She responded, similarly to the movie, that we were watching Bastion (one of the boys) as he watched Atreyu (the one with the Auryn for the most part).  She continued with: there very well may be someone watching us, and someone watching them, allowing the story to continue forever.  (I have since equated it with Tommy Tippy cups, if you know what those are. *shrugs*) 

That explanation was phenomenal to me, as it continues to be.  It seems so simple when written down, but if you look at the two snakes they seem to be a more accurate representation of the yin-yang than the traditional version.  Plus the idea of infinity; so much iconography and symbolism in one small image!

Anyway, that's the most important part.  The rest relates to my studies in Art History (my major).  The symbol is an old one, from many cultures, mainly Celtic traditions.

It represents so much for me.  In a more literal sense it represents my youth, all that was innocent and good.  As well as the end of the great era of 80s fantasy/children's movies.

I guess, one could say, that this movie encompasses everything I believe to be true and all that is me, in a simplistic, child-like manner.

So there it is.  Label me as you see fit, but none is better than good, ole' fashioned dork!

[	Current Mood	|	contemplative	]
[	Current Music	|	WinAmp mix	]

I have a lot that I want to cover.  These are the notes so that I don’t forget to mention them: family, friends, money, school, work, John Cusack and my life in general (in general, you say, what else is there?).

First, the family and money categories kinda go hand in hand.  My grandfather has been funding my life lately.  Twice in one month he has handed me 100 dollar bills for hanging out with him.  This uncharacteristic love and charity couldn’t come at a better time.  I can hope, now, to begin to put money back in savings even before student loans and I can help a friend in need, if said stubborn friend will let me.  Friends, I complain about not having many, but the ones I have are like rare astronomical occurrences.  Like a supernova that was seen from earth during the 11^th century, I think, for some period of three weeks.  How can one underestimate such intensity?

{ In July 1054, a star could be seen blazing in the heavens. For three weeks it was so bright it could be seen in daylight. The only reason we know of it today is because Arab, Chinese, Japanese and Native American astronomers noted it. That supernova created what we now call the Crab Nebula. http://www.spacetoday.org/SolSys/Earth/AncientAstronomy.html  Scroll down, just citing a source. }

Anyway, that type of natural occurrence has since been taken for granted and to all my friends (few of which will read this) sorry for treating you like the Crab Nebula.  A very dear friend called me tonight when I was needed because in my group of friends every one is so unique that they have specialized skills, much like Communists; dirty thought.

Money has pretty much been covered but it cannot be understated that I am in a much better position than I was two weeks ago.  And as a nice segue (isn’t that odd, I never thought that word looked that way) into the topic of school, I won’t have to wait, albeit impatiently, for student loans as in the past.  School, only one week left, and I discovered today, had an epiphany really, that I have 2 classes and one senior seminar which will be held like and independent study!!  2 classes!!  Ergo, I can work more hours if I can find a job in this shitty, shitty town.  (There’s the subject of work for you; job hunting next week.)

Last night I watched "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" for the first time. (Gasp!)  Yes, but I have to say I honestly don’t know why I had never watched it.  It is amazing!  And, to boot, John Cusack is my straight husband.  Vin Diesel aside for a very short moment; John Cusack is a hottie I had never examined closely.  And if he’s in a movie for almost 3 hours, one gets to examine him.  He is beautiful; I would want to be him had I been born male.  He’s perfect: nerdy, dorky, sexy, suave, and shy and innocent at the same time.  Dear God!

So, my life in general. . . I want to do something drastic with my hair, but I can’t because of my future.  I’d love to shave my head, but I’m not feminine enough to pull off that cool thing that straight girls do when they shave their heads.  I’d be labeled ‘butch’ and I have discovered I am not that.  I want to see something new.  I haven’t really traveled in a while and that’s not something I’m used to.  I need to be on an airplane soon.  Headed to some remote location in Asia perhaps, or even to Wichita, that would do I guess.  I will get to go to D.C. in May, to which I have never been.  (Another Gasp!)  I can’t wait to go on this trip with my Museum seminar.  The only textbook we have been required to buy so far is the Smithsonian’s Official Guide!  How cool!

So, life is good.  I’ll get to fly somewhere soon.  I may get a job.  I have great friends, and enough money to make it until loans come in.  I am loved.

My cynical side says:  God bless medications.

[	Current Mood	|	and full, ugh!	]
[	Current Music	|	none	]

So Jerry Orbach is dead.  I hate the world.  I'm doing well and have had one of the best weekends of my life!  I went to see a great movie and then went to a great Christmas Party.  “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe” was amazing!   I haven’t seen an adaptation of a book to film this well done in quite some time.  The director, Andrew Adamson, has only directed a few movies: Shrek, Shrek 2, and Narnia.  Everything else that he has done has been special effects and writing.  He must have been a fan of the books.  And what a better way to start a career than these three big hits!!!  I hope he continues to get better.

I had a wonderful time at the swanky-est party I have ever been to.  Ohmygod!  It was awesome.  Anyway, I’m sleepy and need to do homework.  Finals are here and this semester is only two finals away from being over!

[	Current Mood	|	crazy	]
[	Current Music	|	Eminem and others	]

So basically everything is good.  I shouldn’t be on the computer right now; it’s thundering and lightening like hell! I’m hoping my cd will finish burning first.  I guess I making it, hanging in there and all.  I’m almost done and most of my homework is finished thanks to profs that give me much needed extensions.  I’m so ready for the holidays.  I can’t wait for some time off, well deserved I might add.

I have a lot to do.  But I’m not done yet, just like one week left.  Thank the powers that be for my Depakote.  I will update again, probably after this week is over.

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Current Mood

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horny

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I just want a woman that will wear a suit.  One who will fucking pack for me.  I want to meet a woman that looks and enjoys acting like a man occasionally.  Is that to goddamn much to ask?!

I just don’t know where to find them and I’m so damn self conscious about being ugly that if I did find one I’d never talk to her unless she came up to me.  I know exactly what I want, but that’s, in a way, holding me back from every woman I meet!  I’m so FUCKED up!  I just can’t figure out why it’s so difficult to just find women that fit my types, I know they exist I’ve seen them!

[	Current Mood	|	and still awake	]
[	Current Music	|	The soundtrack of Nip/Tuck season 2	]

I would give anything for a community of lesbians.  I know on day I’ll live in a big city and get tired of seeing no new faces, but I really want to meet more women, more butches.  I hate being stuck in this dead-end town.  I am going to try to go out, but it is so hard to go out by myself.  I get nervous and depressed and anti-social.

I just got off the phone with my best friend and I missed her more than I knew.  We used to be roommates and that would have made tonight wonderful: an all-nighter.  I’ll come back to this post after a few pages on my take-home test for Art History. 

Hours and hours typing away.  Okay not really, I’ve been watching “Nip/Tuck” too.  I love Dr. Christian Troy and would marry him were I not a lesbian and were he actually to exist!

A few quotes from the second season worth noting:

“Once you’ve seen a woman’s come-face, you’ve seen her soul.”  Amen!

[In reference to reconstruction of the clit on a woman mutilated in her home country]:

“I’m a goddamn genius when it comes to pussy.  If I build it she will cum!”

Thank you Dr. Troy!!

So my best friend was right, imagine that!  I have to fight depression with all I have.  It just sucks that I only feel like I can fight it when I don’t sleep.  I hate having to deal with everything; I just want it all to be set, done, over.  Continuing a theme from above, I want to meet lesbians who meet my standards.  I want to have SEX!!   I miss it so much.  I miss naked skin, sweat, and the comforting thought that I am attractive and desirable.  I also miss being held by a big butch.  I miss so much about butches.  But mostly I miss being able to discuss all the other things that I won’t mention here (mostly because I feel this need to censor my Live Journal) with other lesbians.  I miss lesbian cock (that’s one I normally censor).  I have so many issues; I just can’t discuss a large part of my life with most of my friends because they are either straight (male or female) or are gay males.  They just don’t want to hear about the fact that I love to get fucked but not by men.

Right now I’m cold and tired.  I may update later today.