"What care I for Human Hearts, Soft and Spiritless as Porridge?"

The college condition. . .

2007-09-17T03:50:55Z

So it is the night before my first day as a grad student. Okay, well really just the orientation to being a grad student. However, I’m still just as freaked out!

On one hand I can’t believe I’m actually doing this; it’s what I’ve always wanted! On the other, what if I fuck up? Now mind you, this is not one of those “legitimate” fears. Oh no, I have no doubt I can study and pass. My fear is whether or not I am cut out to become the political person one has to be in academia. I have, as you know, a really difficult time keeping my mouth shut. I think that may bite me in the ass one day. So as a result, I’m struggling with the age-old problem of choosing between being an adult or being a child. I want to be a child!

I’m no good at this adult shit! I can’t do it! I want to party, to stay up late, to wear, say and do WHATEVER I want. And all of that, all of what makes me me will now end up in a box in my basement waiting on some 45-year-old version of myself to run across it and reminisce. I don’t want that but I have the horrible feeling that this is just one more of those things we believe as children will not, under any circumstances, happen to us. Like when I used to say I would never become my mother. Yeah, right. Or that I would never stop eating Cap’n Crunch and watch cartoons on Saturday mornings (okay, well that one is true, except now I’m watching them at midnight on my computer)!

The point is that the Toys’R’Us song has never meant so much to me.

I am nervous about new classes, getting lost and all that other garbage, but I know now that if I could do it four years ago as a stupid undergrad then maybe, just maybe I can do it now. No one ever tells you how things are really going to be. Swim and I used to council young, misguided teens that happened through Burson Ave about the college their parents and teachers never told them about. The college where you have no fucking clue what you want to be when you grow up, the college where you take any class that sounds remotely interesting and will fill that 4 hour gap between two you are required to take. We thought our ideas were so good we should right a book. I still think we should. But now I think we will have to write a very long one that extols the truths not only about undergrad but grad school as well. No one really prepares you for the scariest moments of your life. I guess no one really can.

I have confidence that I will succeed, but Jesus Christ it will be difficult. At least I like Columbus; the lesbians are hot! And my job isn’t too bad (although they should just pay me in merchandise instead of a paycheck). I miss everyone but I do not miss Georgia (although I’d love a half Neo-Classic Chicken Salad with Sesame Ginger dressing followed by one of Caleb’s frozen Caramel Lattes). I will make it. . . I just don’t like having to make it alone. Miss you.

Moving

2007-06-24T01:07:29Z

I know it's been a while since I have posted but the days of long silences are almost over! I am moving to a place, a mecca in fact, that offers high-speed internet so I can reattach myself to the Internet! I am going to Columbus, Ohio to work on my M.A. in East Asian Art History. I just wanted to let you all know that I am not dead and that I will be posting even more as time goes by and I adjust to my new solitary life as a graduate student with no friends for hundreds of miles. I can't wait! At least I have the Internet and Final Fantasy 12 for my PS2!

New Quote for a New Year!

2006-01-01T14:54:10Z

Turn away from mischief.
Again and again, turn away,
Before sorrow befalls you.

Set your heart on doing good.
Do it over and over again,
And you will be filled with joy.

-Dhammapada 117-118

I just sent this to someone new and maybe cool. . .

2005-12-31T20:33:11Z

This is a copy of an email I sent to a possible new friend explaining the importance to me of the Auryn and ‘The NeverEnding Story.’

Spiritual implications:

Here goes (I normally don't care what people think, but this is weird). . .

The first philosophical thought I can remember having happened when my sister (7 years older than me) explained what a 'never-ending story' really was. I had to have been only a year old when this movie came out and I guess I asked her by the time I was 6 or 7. She responded, similarly to the movie, that we were watching Bastion (one of the boys) as he watched Atreyu (the one with the Auryn for the most part). She continued with: there very well may be someone watching us, and someone watching them, allowing the story to continue forever. (I have since equated it with Tommy Tippy cups, if you know what those are. *shrugs*)

That explanation was phenomenal to me, as it continues to be. It seems so simple when written down, but if you look at the two snakes they seem to be a more accurate representation of the yin-yang than the traditional version. Plus the idea of infinity; so much iconography and symbolism in one small image!

Anyway, that's the most important part. The rest relates to my studies in Art History (my major). The symbol is an old one, from many cultures, mainly Celtic traditions.

It represents so much for me. In a more literal sense it represents my youth, all that was innocent and good. As well as the end of the great era of 80s fantasy/children's movies.

I guess, one could say, that this movie encompasses everything I believe to be true and all that is me, in a simplistic, child-like manner.

So there it is. Label me as you see fit, but none is better than good, ole' fashioned dork!

Random Thoughts. . .

2005-12-31T04:04:43Z

I have a lot that I want to cover. These are the notes so that I don’t forget to mention them: family, friends, money, school, work, John Cusack and my life in general (in general, you say, what else is there?).

First, the family and money categories kinda go hand in hand. My grandfather has been funding my life lately. Twice in one month he has handed me 100 dollar bills for hanging out with him. This uncharacteristic love and charity couldn’t come at a better time. I can hope, now, to begin to put money back in savings even before student loans and I can help a friend in need, if said stubborn friend will let me. Friends, I complain about not having many, but the ones I have are like rare astronomical occurrences. Like a supernova that was seen from earth during the 11^th century, I think, for some period of three weeks. How can one underestimate such intensity?

{ In July 1054, a star could be seen blazing in the heavens. For three weeks it was so bright it could be seen in daylight. The only reason we know of it today is because Arab, Chinese, Japanese and Native American astronomers noted it. That supernova created what we now call the Crab Nebula. http://www.spacetoday.org/SolSys/Earth/AncientAstronomy.html Scroll down, just citing a source. }

Anyway, that type of natural occurrence has since been taken for granted and to all my friends (few of which will read this) sorry for treating you like the Crab Nebula. A very dear friend called me tonight when I was needed because in my group of friends every one is so unique that they have specialized skills, much like Communists; dirty thought.

Money has pretty much been covered but it cannot be understated that I am in a much better position than I was two weeks ago. And as a nice segue (isn’t that odd, I never thought that word looked that way) into the topic of school, I won’t have to wait, albeit impatiently, for student loans as in the past. School, only one week left, and I discovered today, had an epiphany really, that I have 2 classes and one senior seminar which will be held like and independent study!! 2 classes!! Ergo, I can work more hours if I can find a job in this shitty, shitty town. (There’s the subject of work for you; job hunting next week.)

Last night I watched "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" for the first time. (Gasp!) Yes, but I have to say I honestly don’t know why I had never watched it. It is amazing! And, to boot, John Cusack is my straight husband. Vin Diesel aside for a very short moment; John Cusack is a hottie I had never examined closely. And if he’s in a movie for almost 3 hours, one gets to examine him. He is beautiful; I would want to be him had I been born male. He’s perfect: nerdy, dorky, sexy, suave, and shy and innocent at the same time. Dear God!

So, my life in general. . . I want to do something drastic with my hair, but I can’t because of my future. I’d love to shave my head, but I’m not feminine enough to pull off that cool thing that straight girls do when they shave their heads. I’d be labeled ‘butch’ and I have discovered I am not that. I want to see something new. I haven’t really traveled in a while and that’s not something I’m used to. I need to be on an airplane soon. Headed to some remote location in Asia perhaps, or even to Wichita, that would do I guess. I will get to go to D.C. in May, to which I have never been. (Another Gasp!) I can’t wait to go on this trip with my Museum seminar. The only textbook we have been required to buy so far is the Smithsonian’s Official Guide! How cool!

So, life is good. I’ll get to fly somewhere soon. I may get a job. I have great friends, and enough money to make it until loans come in. I am loved.

My cynical side says: God bless medications.

This is from some all-nighter ealier in the semester. . .

2005-12-29T19:40:06Z

Title: Random Thoughts

I would give anything for a community of lesbians. I know on day I’ll live in a big city and get tired of seeing no new faces, but I really want to meet more women, more butches. I hate being stuck in this dead-end town. I am going to try to go out, but it is so hard to go out by myself. I get nervous and depressed and anti-social.
I just got off the phone with my best friend and I missed her more than I knew. We used to be roommates and that would have made tonight wonderful: an all-nighter. I’ll come back to this post after a few pages on my take-home test for Art History.
Hours and hours typing away. Okay not really, I’ve been watching “Nip/Tuck” too. I love Dr. Christian Troy and would marry him were I not a lesbian and were he actually to exist!
A few quotes from the second season worth noting:
“Once you’ve seen a woman’s come-face, you’ve seen her soul.” Amen!
[In reference to reconstruction of the clit on a woman mutilated in her home country]:
“I’m a goddamn genius when it comes to pussy. If I build it she will cum!”
Thank you Dr. Troy!!

So my best friend was right, imagine that! I have to fight depression with all I have. It just sucks that I only feel like I can fight it when I don’t sleep. I hate having to deal with everything; I just want it all to be set, done, over. Continuing a theme from above, I want to meet lesbians who meet my standards. I want to have SEX!! I miss it so much. I miss naked skin, sweat, and the comforting thought that I am attractive and desirable. I also miss being held by a big butch. I miss so much about butches. But mostly I miss being able to discuss all the other things that I won’t mention here (mostly because I feel this need to censor my Live Journal) with other lesbians. I miss lesbian cock (that’s one I normally censor). I have so many issues; I just can’t discuss a large part of my life with most of my friends because they are either straight (male or female) or are gay males. They just don’t want to hear about the fact that I love to get fucked but not by men.

Right now I’m cold and tired. I may update later today.

Today's thoughts:

So today I am still cold and while taking my excruciatingly warm shower I realized the extent of my pathetic existence. I write in this stupid LiveJournal pretending to be speaking to a group of people who care and in fact there is no one out there. I hate that feeling. Almost complete isolation. Everything happens for a reason and maybe this is where I’m supposed to be, but I do more ‘hanging out’ with my family than with my friends (at least I have some of those in real life). I have never been good with words but I feel as if no one could explain this isolation, or perhaps it has already been said and I haven’t run across it. I’m sure Mark Twain has said it.

I’m just a little weary of talking to myself, of being crazy. I realized last light that I once had a friend and may have lost her because I was so open about my emotional condition (bi-polar, manic-depressive, blah blah). I mean I understand that if that scared her away she may ot have been worth having in the first place, but it still kinda hurts, ya know.

I don’t think twice before telling the world that I have come to understand my ‘condition’ and am on my way to regulating it. I’m doing much better, but the world doesn’t see it the same way as me and my friends. We understand that it does not define a person.

Today I have to go to stay with my Paw-paw and he said he’d pay me but I’d rather be at home smokin’ and watchin’ porn. That seems to be all I do any more. I’m kinda ready for school (ordered a textbook today, wish I had money for more than 1). Life is good, I think.

I’ve made a few New Year’s Resolutions, something I never do.
1. Quit biting my finger nails.
2. Eat less.
3. Cut out processed sugars.
4. And, maybe, really exercise.

We’ll see how that goes. The one about my fingernails is the most important, but I’m tired of refined sugar, in makes me nauseated.

So here I am, alone and cold in my bedroom; I can’t feel my toes or fingers, so I guess I’ll smoke a cigarette and quit typing.

Real quick. . .

2005-12-12T20:44:16Z

So Jerry Orbach is dead. I hate the world. I'm doing well and have had one of the best weekends of my life! I went to see a great movie and then went to a great Christmas Party. “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe” was amazing! I haven’t seen an adaptation of a book to film this well done in quite some time. The director, Andrew Adamson, has only directed a few movies: Shrek, Shrek 2, and Narnia. Everything else that he has done has been special effects and writing. He must have been a fan of the books. And what a better way to start a career than these three big hits!!! I hope he continues to get better.

I had a wonderful time at the swanky-est party I have ever been to. Ohmygod! It was awesome. Anyway, I’m sleepy and need to do homework. Finals are here and this semester is only two finals away from being over!

"One small step for man. . .

2005-12-06T19:28:12Z

One giant leap for mankind"
I just heard the greatest news on the stupid gay channel:
Sir Elton John and his partner were the first couple to be registered for a civil union in Great Britain and after the 15 day waiting period, they will be wed in the same church as Charles and Camila. I cried. England did it. Not stupid gay marriage but civil unions. Go England!

Betcha didn't know that . . .

2005-12-06T01:18:10Z

Jerry Orbach played the voice of Lumiere in Disney's "Beauty and the Beast!"

Almost there. . .

2005-12-04T20:38:43Z

So basically everything is good. I shouldn’t be on the computer right now; it’s thundering and lightening like hell! I’m hoping my cd will finish burning first. I guess I making it, hanging in there and all. I’m almost done and most of my homework is finished thanks to profs that give me much needed extensions. I’m so ready for the holidays. I can’t wait for some time off, well deserved I might add.

I have a lot to do. But I’m not done yet, just like one week left. Thank the powers that be for my Depakote. I will update again, probably after this week is over.

auryn_dork @ 2005-11-06T22:29:00

2005-11-07T03:29:43Z

Some days I get this uncontrollable anger that just wells up inside of me and I lash out at whomever I can. I hate this so I normally self-medicate. I don’t know what to do tonight however as I have run out of medication. I want so badly to be happy and wanted. I hate the idea that I have to battle something so deep inside of me that I can’t separate myself from the enemy. I just don’t know what to do. So days like today happen: I eat all day and lay on the couch avoiding the feeling of impending doom reigning over me. I can’t bear to be alone or see anyone. I hate this.

I also hate being alone and bitter. I am so jaded. I just got an email from a girl I met on this online thing I registered for a while ago. She seems so un-jaded so naïve. But are those things really the same thing? I just had her refer to be as a possibility for the “girl of her dreams” not in a literal sense, but more like there always exists this possibility where I would imagine quite the opposite and expect rejection and denial. How odd this world is really.

I'm going mad. . .

2005-11-06T06:08:36Z

I just want a woman that will wear a suit. One who will fucking pack for me. I want to meet a woman that looks and enjoys acting like a man occasionally. Is that to goddamn much to ask?!

I just don’t know where to find them and I’m so damn self conscious about being ugly that if I did find one I’d never talk to her unless she came up to me. I know exactly what I want, but that’s, in a way, holding me back from every woman I meet! I’m so FUCKED up! I just can’t figure out why it’s so difficult to just find women that fit my types, I know they exist I’ve seen them!

How things change. . .

2005-11-04T06:24:16Z

What I am about to post here was written a year ago, almost to the day, and I just stumbled across it ten minutes ago. This is so strange, things change so much. Some of the things in this entry didn't happen as planed but over all I wish I still felt so good. Here goes:

"Sometimes I find myself more than a little shocked at my current situation. I am surprised that I am a real college student and that I am actually an intern at a prestigious museum in Atlanta. It hit me today that I had always imagined, as a little tot, that I would read Voltaire’s Candide in college; little did I estimate that I would be reading it in French (no doubt taking advantage of those infamous Cliff’s Notes). I am really doing it.
Yet, here I am, an indentured servant, slowly earning my freedom. Freedom for what? I have been asked this question many times: what am I going to do? I frankly don’t know what I’m going to do with my life. I have aspirations of living a life similar to that of Carrie’s in Sex in the City, yet it doesn’t seem likely. I always envision myself in a posh New York apartment (hopefully rent-controlled), listening to a home-made CD of opera, drinking some over-indulgent cocktail, while I write the latest breakthrough Art History dissertation. It never fails that I am surrounded by electronics, books, papers and an assortment of dirty laundry; however, I am always fashionably attired from head to toe (with extra focus on my new Manolo Blahnik’s). My fingers fly over the keyboard as I expel some new theory about Buddhist art. I pause and light a cigarette (a nasty habit I swore I would quit after grad-school) and sip my deadly cocktail. As the smoke leaves my mouth in a billowing haze, I recall my days spent as an undergrad, interning for no money and struggling to maintain a 3.64 GPA.
Unfortunately this fantasy has not yet been realized; I’m still aiming for my GPA. The closest I have come to it is a tiny apartment in Carrollton, smoking while finishing a term paper at 3 am, wearing next to nothing in the horrible heat of an attic apartment and eating No-Doze like M&Ms. Those were the days. Now I live at home, like a good girl, and dutifully attend classes and my slave position on Saturdays. I can’t wait until I wake up, a successful Art Historian (whatever that means)! Yet I find myself drifting off, daydreaming about that posh apartment.
It’s happening; I may actually have the position of curator of the West Georgia Museum! I can’t believe I got this kind of break simply by asking for an internship. Of course, this is still an unpaid internship, but the title is what is important, as well as the experience! Oh my God!"

I think my life was okay then, maybe it is now too; I just feel like everything is being held together by a thread.

I should update more.

2005-11-04T04:51:07Z

I really should. I like LJ, I'm just a lazy ho! Anyway, my mom and I went up to Gallery Row tonight, had a good time.
I wish she'd get out more, just not with me, but once in a blue moon is fun. She just needs friends.
I'm still lonely and single. I'm overwhelmed with no real reason to be. And i think everyone is a zombie after watching "Land of the Dead"! Which, by the way, is a fucking awesome movie.
Wish I had more time. I'm not sleepy so I may do homework after I'm through killing brain cells on this damn computer.

auryn_dork @ 2005-10-21T02:51:00

2005-10-21T06:53:16Z

So just a quick note about what’s been going on in my life recently. I went on a bit of a manic shopping spree today and spent more money than I care to reveal. However, it was on a credit card so I don’t feel too bad. Mostly I’m excited about my new clothes because they look and feel so good. My diet is working and I feel so much better. I have plans to go by myself to a lesbian bar in Atlanta tomorrow and I wanted to look my best so that I had no reason to be self-conscious. We’ll see if that mental trick actually works. Anyway, I feel totally cool with going to the bar, but I know myself better than that and I won’t feel so cool tomorrow night! I have to sleep now.

My rat is plotting to kill me. . . .

2005-10-17T16:14:54Z

Any way I'm still awake. I just had to remark on two things. The boys on "Nip/Tuck" are so cute. (Enough with that show already!) And that I understand my French homework so much better when I'm high. Off to class now, very tired.

Random thoughts. . .And I thought this show would be for yuppies!

2005-10-17T12:35:51Z

I would give anything for a community of lesbians. I know on day I’ll live in a big city and get tired of seeing no new faces, but I really want to meet more women, more butches. I hate being stuck in this dead-end town. I am going to try to go out, but it is so hard to go out by myself. I get nervous and depressed and anti-social.

I just got off the phone with my best friend and I missed her more than I knew. We used to be roommates and that would have made tonight wonderful: an all-nighter. I’ll come back to this post after a few pages on my take-home test for Art History.

Hours and hours typing away. Okay not really, I’ve been watching “Nip/Tuck” too. I love Dr. Christian Troy and would marry him were I not a lesbian and were he actually to exist!

A few quotes from the second season worth noting:

“Once you’ve seen a woman’s come-face, you’ve seen her soul.” Amen!

[In reference to reconstruction of the clit on a woman mutilated in her home country]:

“I’m a goddamn genius when it comes to pussy. If I build it she will cum!”

Thank you Dr. Troy!!

So my best friend was right, imagine that! I have to fight depression with all I have. It just sucks that I only feel like I can fight it when I don’t sleep. I hate having to deal with everything; I just want it all to be set, done, over. Continuing a theme from above, I want to meet lesbians who meet my standards. I want to have SEX!! I miss it so much. I miss naked skin, sweat, and the comforting thought that I am attractive and desirable. I also miss being held by a big butch. I miss so much about butches. But mostly I miss being able to discuss all the other things that I won’t mention here (mostly because I feel this need to censor my Live Journal) with other lesbians. I miss lesbian cock (that’s one I normally censor). I have so many issues; I just can’t discuss a large part of my life with most of my friends because they are either straight (male or female) or are gay males. They just don’t want to hear about the fact that I love to get fucked but not by men.

Right now I’m cold and tired. I may update later today.

I can't think of one right now. . .

2005-10-06T02:54:14Z

I’m so tired of my family acting like we’re a bunch of victims. Disclaimer: some of the following traits have been known to be exhibited by yours truly. My mom acts like we have real problems (here ‘real’ is not used as a term of existence but of severity; our problems exist but are not severe) when so many people in the world have real problems. This observation presented itself because I have found a new love for the show “Nip/Tuck.” It totally rocks! But the characters have important, life-shattering problems. Our problems are not lack of anything, not physical or emotional abuse, just discontent. I’ve just been diagnosed Bipolar. My mom’s parents are overbearing. And my step-dad likes beer and work. How’s that for shitty?
Hopefully you can see my issue. My mom constantly acts like there is something wrong with me because I ask questions when things aren’t clear; but in reality she is so stressed that she doesn’t complete her sentences so I attempt to fill in the blanks. To her, however, this situation is an attack on her choices and decisions. I try my best not to judge her, but I cannot understand what makes this woman tick. Preston (my step-dad) is always there on her side because he’s not man enough to have his own opinion. He only defends her and never puts in his two cents. And he can barely hear, so he gets mad when I ask him not to yell!
I can’t understand what makes my mother need to be the victim so badly. Everything is always happening TO her and not because of her or just around her. She can’t understand that shit happens. I hate the fact that I have been diagnosed Bipolar. It feels like a death sentence. Almost like cancer, so that I feel that I have to tell employers, future girlfriends, even grad schools about it so they know in advance why, one day, I won’t take my meds. This curse comes with many prices and I understand that, which was really difficult to do, but it has given me clarity. I now do less for others and more for myself. I know that no matter what my mental health is like I can CONTROL my physical health. I have learned a lot and now I can’t understand why my mother hadn’t figured it out yet.

I will never sleep again!

2005-09-22T05:09:05Z

I realized tonight, after being awake for two ore three days (I can’t remember exactly) exactly how desirable I am. Here’s what I mean. I was driving home from an emergency run to the grocery store. I had had the idea that Oreos go great with a Vietnam War movie (Full Metal Jacket) and I had no Oreos. So, on the way home I realized that any red-blooded man would be lucky to have me! I’m not afraid of alcohol and food the way that most chicks are; I love ‘guy’ movies and beer; I have an insatiable sex drive and, to boot, I love all things dorky (comic books, video games and computers). Many men love to hang out with me and claim that there should be more women like me in the world. “The catch?” - you may be asking yourself. Well, here it is: why aren’t there any lesbians in the world who appreciate this type of girl. (Aside: if there are any, and you happen, through some freak quantum alignment, to be one of them reading this post, please feel free to sleep with me, oops I meant IM me!)
So, in effect what problem do I have that makes me hate myself when I’m so bloody cool?! I don’t understand my need to be attractive and the only thing that makes me feel that way is having sex. I hate being so knowledgeable about my neurosis! I wish I didn’t know why sometimes! Ignorance can be blissful.
I just can’t understand why men have to dig me and women don’t seem to notice me. Odd.
Recap of the past few days: I haven’t slept in FOREVER!! Today I got a 2 hour nap and that was the first sleep I had had since Sunday night! And then, tonight I plan to sleep for like 9 hours and find out that I have an employee meeting at 10:30 A-fucking-M! I can’t sleep tonight then, so I’m gonna take the practice GRE! Fun, fun, fun.
Basically I stayed on top of my homework, but I skipped class today because I’m a loser, dumbass and I should have gone, but oh well. Sadly, I may be up all night tonight, so I’m sure I’ll post again.
Later, kids.

Oh My God, I'm so angry!

2005-09-21T06:41:12Z

I'll have to elaborate on this when I'm not so tired and LIVID! I cannot believe that I work with one of the dumbest humans on the face of the planet. He spits good game, and until tonight I didn’t question his college experience. But it is now horribly obvious to me that he is so far from educated that I cannot even look at him the same way. In short he spouted this liberal, utopian propaganda about his perfect society, complete with robots to do our work and no money. And then had the nerve to tell me he wasn’t communist when he doesn’t know what the FUCK that means because he’s NEVER read Marx’s Communist Manifesto! You can’t claim to not be something if you don’t even know what that something is! God, he’s such an ignorant fuck! I’ll write more when I’m not so dumbfounded by the idea that he thinks that (and I’m almost quoting him here) governments and societies can change if one studies history. Obviously he doesn’t practice what he preaches! And this he tells to an Art HISTORY major! I could scream. I had him cornered at every angle and yet the best he could come up with was a personal attack, insisting that I didn’t think for myself and only regurgitated what I was taught. If that’s his opinion of scholars of history then he has no ground to stand on and we might as well revert to primitive times! He honestly seems to have convinced himself that the solution to humanity’s problems is to get rid of formal society and replace it with a “fully automated” one. What the hell that means! If you take the humans out of the picture then you’re really looking at something other than ‘humanity,’ making his argument asinine.

That felt good. And he was too stupid to follow basic logic because he’s a dumb liberal who’s angry that his mom was a waitress and he’s poor and has a shitty job. I have the exact same job!!! I can go to college and better myself without being bitter or negative. It sucks to be poor but damn, get a grip!

Still awake. . .

2005-09-20T12:31:39Z

I haven’t gone to sleep yet. And I really wish my internet in my room was hooked up so I could type and smoke. I’m exhausted but determined to get to grad school, so if I have to give up sleep to make it happen then so be it. I really like not sleeping. I feel like I can totally make it when there are so many hours in a day. For example: I went to 2 of 3 classes today, hung out with friends, did more homework than I’ve done in weeks and am going to run through my to-do-list like mad before class. Then I’ll study and go to work, squeezing in time for coffee at our local café. Why can’t we go to a 36 hour day?! Who cares about the precise revolution about the sun?! I need more time! :)

I’ll be dead tonight when I get home but it will be worth it. I just keep repeating the mantra: “London, Grad Schools, London, Grad Schools” over and over. That’s the only thing that keeps me going. I just wish I could manage my time more efficiently. Well, I have so much left to do and I need a cigarette, later (to whomever is listening).
(By the way, to all you old pros, I am beginning to like this LJ thing. I’ve never been good about a paper journal, but the thought that someone, somewhere may read this makes me WANT to write as often as possible.)

Blah. . .

2005-09-20T04:19:39Z

So, today I realized that I am way too caught up in how great my life will be when I’m in London than it is now. I don’t want to keep living here and it’s so bad that I can’t do my school work the same. All I do is hang out with friends and watch movies. I never do homework or anything important and that has got to change. I’ll probably write more tonight as I don’t feel I’ll be sleeping any time soon. But I feel like I have so much to do that I don’t want to do any of it at all. I cannot flunk out of college my last year, so I have to work hard and do this right. And that means no sleep!
But I did watch an awesome movie tonight: “The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat.” I have to buy this one day it totally rocks! It's offensive and crude and horrible; its great!!!

Background Check

2005-09-19T05:21:26Z

I've never done this before, blogs and all. Here goes. . .
I'm basically at my wits’ end with my social life and thought I should branch out on the internet as I won’t always be in this ‘wicked little town.’ Here goes my preface to my first entry.
First, I love all of my Carrollton friends dearly, but I feel as if my lesbian interaction is severely stunted.
Second, I (and my dearest friends) will be going to grads schools around the world and I would like to meet people in the next few months that I may be able to meet face-to-face at grad school.
Third, I get lonely and horny and there are no lesbians here that I can talk to. I will elaborate more on this later, but the butch/femme world is very underdeveloped in Carrollton and the surrounding RURAL areas.
Preface done here goes:
I want certain things in life and I like lists, donc the best way to handle my life is in a series of categories and lists (I apologize for the franglais I tend to use de temps en temps).
First category and possibly the most important right now is my non-existent sex life. There are no lesbians in Carrollton who fit my physical desires, or intellectual for that matter. (Aside: as you, the reader, will learn I am tactless and crude, get used to it). There are no butch women with short hair who have big, latex dicks to fuck me with and few who will listen to me bitch and moan about needing to be fucked by a hot dyke! All I want right now is to have sex, no commitment. I’m going to grad school (possibly overseas) and I don’t want to fall in love. I want to have casual sex with a hot butch and not even know her last name. And I don’t even have the lesbian friends to talk about this with. All my friends are straight women and gay men (hence my title as ‘resident lesbian’). Anyway, I’m going crazy and have an unquenchable desire to have my brains fucked out by some dyke who I sure as hell haven’t met yet. I have an unreal sex drive and no one to help me, so I jack off a lot. I’m a femme, but not a high femme with extensive needs, just an emo femme I guess you could say.
Second category: School.
This can be summed up by one word: stress! I’m getting ready for grad school and taking only a few classes but I have the shittiest job ever so I work too much. I want to go to Richmond University in London for my MA.
Enough on that tonight. I HATE my job!
Social Life: nonexistent.
I love my friends, but we’re all so busy that we rarely hang out and I feel as if they are all tired of me or something (I’m just paranoid). I feel as if I have only one true friend, Swim, and sometimes I feel like I’m a burden to her and that she would be happier without me. At other times I realize I will never love another woman the way I love her. It’s a sad and twisted world in which we live. I try to go and meet new people but I’m no good at it. When I try to meet lesbians I only talk to the women I’m attracted to, therefore I end up not wanting to be friends and only wanting to have sex with them. I’m also terrified that they will want a relationship so I don’t talk to women. (By the way I’m a bumbling idiot in front of a beautiful woman, always have been.) So when I go to the ONLY lesbian bar in Atlanta I leave disappointed, angry and depressed!
I want to feel like there is some hope out there. Like maybe there will be hundreds of lesbians in London (if I go to school there) that will want to shag me as soon as I step off the plane. I know it’s foolish but I’ve always felt that sex is the world’s way of making sure that I’m attractive. It has never been about love for me, they are two entirely different things. I’ll post a photo of myself ASAP, but right now suffice it to say that I don’t think I’m ugly, but I also don’t think I’m traditional either. Most femme lesbians think I’m too femme and most butches think I’m too butch. I really don’t care about those labels except to indicate that I get fucked and rarely do the fucking.
I’m tired of not having someone want me. I really like the feeling of being able to call someone and just meet for sex and food.
I don’t know where this is going but I can’t stop spinning these thoughts around in my head. I just don’t understand how a girl with my sex drive, my abilities, my kinkiness and my decent looks can’t get laid. Oh I know, because I don’t sleep with men! Men have asked me to have sex with them because I’m a lesbian, because I’m kinky, because of many different things but that’s gross. Let’s get this out here now, as this is my first post: I am attracted to many men (always: Vin Diesel, currently: Jake Gyllenhaal) but only in the sense that they are akin to living sculpture. The moment a real, live penis is involved I want to puke. Women are not always sexier to me because I really dig butch women. But I’ve had sex with a man and I don’t think I’ll ever do it again. That being clear and final, I would give ANYTING to fuck Jodie Foster.
One day I’ll have sex again. One day I’ll live in a big city and I’ll be a slut and a curator and I’ll have money and be semi-happy. One day.
I’ll write more later this week.